So you say, WHY?

Well this is a little later than I had told you all but here it all is.  May surprise some of you, some of you say I saw it, and others may say told you so.  What you read here is why I want to lose 46 pounds and go inside a cage and duke it out with someone til I win, lose or draw. 

A few reasons but bottom line---I have an anger and pain in me I haven't been able to get rid of for quite some time.  Almost 20 years I guess.  Yep, I bottle stuff up.  It goes clear back to May of 1991 when we lost my Grandpa Albertson.  Grandpa was not only ONE of the greatest men in my life, but he was a hunting partner, a buddy, and someone who I just enjoyed being with on the farm, in the timber, or on him and Grandma's deck listening to his stories.  I hadn't dealt with death really before that with someone whom I was close to.  And to this day I still don't understand why he was taken in the way he was.  To watch someone you love and look up to be in so much pain when you can't do anything for them is horrible. To see the look in his eyes and the look in my fathers still tears my insides to shreds.  I have never been good with words in those situations and never said the words I wished I would have before it was to late.  Grandpa, I love and miss you. 

2nd and way less important is since my last high school wrestling match I have had a hunger to compete and make up for what I left there on the mats.  I had the chance, the opportunity, and a coach and brother who pushed me to be the best I could but I left some in me.  I didn't give everything I had.  I let them down and myself.  Funny how I just found an article last Friday night saying 1992 was the 2nd time in 15 years that no wrestler went to state.  That was my year.  That was the year I could have made it.  But I didn't push myself to do what I had to do to make it.  Brett Dixon from St. Joe Lafayette was my first lost at the sectional tournament and Danny McReynolds from Moberly put me out of the tournament and my hopes of ever wrestling a match on the Hearnes Center floor was gone.  Just like that.  For all those years my parents carted us across the state for meets, duals, practices, camps and just like that it was all over.  I know I had more and for some reason just didn't 'Bring it'.  I'm in no way saying I would have been a State Champion, what I'm saying if I never even gave myself the chance.  I never even gave myself a chance to wrestle one match inside the Hearnes Center.  I have held that inside for nearly 20 years as well.  When you know you had more and didn't bring it it eats at you.  Every day, every time I think about wrestling, every time I think of competing. 

3rd and final reason---I have done some crazy, CRAZY things in my 37 years of living and I would venture to guess I'm not done with the crazy stuff, but one day when Dylan ask me what the craziest thing I ever done was I would like to say I went inside a cage so that someone could try and beat me up.  I really think that is a more appropriate story for him than some of the others I could tell.  I'm sure his Uncle Denny and Derek and Aunt Marcy will keep him up to speed on some of the others anyway. 

So yes after reading all the above I may be crazy but that's fine if that's the way you feel.  What I say to that is when I walk inside to fight that fight for the first time, I'm bringing 20 years of pain, anger, hurt, determination, pride and HEART with me.  When I walk out win, lose, draw, head bashed in or whatever I want to be able to say 'I brought it and left it in the cage'. 

Well if that don't make sense to you, I'm sorry.  I'm not an English major nor a writer.  Hopefully though now you kinda understand my WHY. 

Signing out,
D

AIPLD